A long Read--I've not been well, but I'm getting better!

Dear Friends, I’ve been a bit withdrawn and anxious of late—subdued even.  Let me share what’s been going on.

First, it seems things are either ok or going to be ok, so I’m going to relax!

The last year has been challenging for me for many reasons.  I’ve been overly stressed at work—that’s no surprise—even serving the best church ever, it’s stressful to be a pastor—period.  Andrea and I have been particularly busy this year with work, boards, and kids, more so than usual and that has added stress.

But also, I’ve been having health issues—serious health issues it seemed.  I wanted to share with you now what all has been going on and ask for your continued prayers for healing and health.

In February of this year, I decided to get healthy!  I had a list of things to start doing or stop doing within one year—all focused on being healthier and taking better care of myself.  I went to the doctor and weighed in at 257lbs—an all-time high for me.  I said something to the doctor along the lines of, “Can’t you just give me a pill or a shot?”  She immediately said no, she’s not that kind of doctor, but then she got a quizzical look about her and said, “Wait, you actually fit a profile that might allow you to take a medication for your appetite—hang on.”  She checked and indeed I fit the parameters for something called Metabolic X (it means I’m fat and in danger of getting diabetes and other bad stuff, lol).  She put me on Victoza—a synthetic insulin taken by once a day injections.

I didn’t tolerate it well—at all.  About every 3 weeks I got sick—really nasty, ugly kinda sick for about 24 hours each time, mostly diarrhea but sometimes throwing up, too.  When I went back in April, I told the doctor about it and she said it wasn’t the drug, it was my gall bladder.  I went for an ultrasound and the results were negative but I did show signs of a fatty liver.  Back to the medicine.  By two weeks later, I was in the hospital on Mothers’ Day.  I had pleurisy and very low potassium.  By the end of May, my triglycerides, cholesterol and blood sugar were all off.  Medication seemed to have no effect or I couldn’t tolerate the medicine.  I was losing weight slowly, my appetite was down, but it seemed I was falling apart.

Diet and exercise seemed to have zero effect on my blood sugar which was my own biggest worry.  My numbers weren’t outrageous, but they were high, especially in the morning.  I was having readings in the 110’s.  In October, the doctor put me on Metformin for my blood sugar.  That coincidentally was the same time I had my worst ever reaction to the Victoza and declared to God and everyone I was never taking it ever again.  The Metformin didn’t go well.   Instead of being sick every few weeks like I had been on the Victoza, I was sick every day—and the diarrhea was not normal.  I was showing serious signs of fat malabsorption –it appeared to me I had something wrong with my pancreas, liver, gall bladder, intestines, SOMETHING was NOT right.  To make matters worse, the Metformin did nothing for my blood sugar levels.

I started losing weight in a not-so-good manner, easily fatigued, and it seemed ANY food messed up my stomach.  I developed a worsened lactose intolerance and seemed to react anytime I ate anything with gluten.

I finally had enough of the Metformin—not sure how long I was on it, but about 6 weeks.  I researched online and discovered some GNC Super Digestive Enzymes and made a decision.  No more Metformin.  I started taking the Enzymes with meals as well as some additional Papaya Enzymes after meals.  Within a couple days I saw my first super good readings of sugar and found I could eat better, but still not good and the benefits were short lived.  I was still getting worse!

A couple weeks later, the Saturday after Thanksgiving, I took the kids to my moms.  We went shopping and the kids wanted Burger King.  I did something stupid.  I ate a whole order of French Fries.  MISTAKE.  I also had no Enzymes with me.  I got sick—really sick again for about 2 days.  The following Monday, November 28, I was convinced something more serious must be wrong.  I worked myself into the doctor’s office.  She agreed that we needed to look further seeing my weight loss.  She said also she was ordering these tests to give me peace of mind, but it “felt” as if there was slightly more to it.

That day I took a complete blood check and sprue panel, along with a quickie office urine test.  All came back normal except my IGA was a bit low, still normal, but low.  White count and red count fine—no sign of puss or blood in my urine.  All good news.

I learned at this time that halfway through the time I was taking Victoza, the FDA had issued an alert that it was being linked to severe digestive problems, thyroid cancer AND Chronic Pancreatitis.  Yes, Doc—it WAS the drug!

On Dec 1, I had a complete abdominal and pelvic CT with contrast.  They showed some signs of aging, some signs of not taking care of myself well, but the only issue of concern that showed up there was microscopic nodules in the adrenal gland of my right kidney.  These are common and almost always benign, but we need to follow up on them in about 3 months.  In addition, my doctor said she wanted to be “super diligent” and ordered some other tests to rule out certain nasty things that can be related to having those nodules.  She ordered a 24 hour urine test (oh joy) and a chest X-Ray “just to be sure.”

Friday, December 2 was an awful day.  I went early in the morning for an XRAY at the hospital.  It went smoothly and quickly.  The tech told me I would hear something Monday.  I left there and went to the Food Lion. While there I got a call telling me I needed to come back and get a Full chest CT.  There were “shadows” on my lungs, nodules it appeared that needed a further look, especially a large one on my right lung base.

I must admit I was devastated.   I couldn’t imagine how “shadows” and unexplained “nodules” could turn out to be good news.  I admit it, I googled it.  Nodules in the adrenal glands can sometimes be from small cell lung cancer—that would be the worst lung cancer, spreads rapidly, doesn’t respond to treatment well at all, very small one year and five year survival rates.  They called and told me to be at the hospital at 7:30 that night for the CT, my second in two days.  Andrea and I were supposed to be at a dinner for her church.  I told her to go, I was just getting the scan, wouldn’t hear until Monday.  I drove around and found some perfect peace—assurance that God was with me.  I was almost angry when I realized that I had not felt that closeness in a long time—why now?

After the CT, the tech told me to go wait in the lobby.  They would read it, call my doctor and come talk to me.  What?!  I was alone.  I called Andrea and she began the drive from Denver, NC to Concord, trying to be there for the results.  The urgency scared me even more.  Andrea said to call me when they talked to me so she could hear what they said on speaker phone.  I never got the chance.  The receptionists came across the room holding the phone.  Mr Conder?  It’s your doctor.  No time to call Andrea, no time to do anything but answer.  As it turned out, it was the other doctor in the firm, who had no idea why I was there.  He said, “Tommy, everything is basically normal, why are you there?  Is everything ok?”  I was dumbfuddled.  Why is he asking ME?  I said, look I had some issues with a chest xray, what do you mean basically?  He said something about a bone island and artifacts and all looked ok.  I said, “look, I need you to be clear.  Am I ok?”  Yes, you’re fine.  Shouldn’t even need any follow up but I will read the full report on Monday.

Whew.  It was over.  I walked around the hospital until I arrived at the chapel and spent some time alone before driving to meet my wife.  She was my rock!  Andrea and I quietly hugged and smiled and moved on to the next issue(s).  I was still sick, unable to digest, with new allergies to old foods and problems with diarrhea and fatigue.

Along the way, I had started (per doctor) taking probiotics and a good vitamin to help with nutrition.  She also tried to switch me to a powerful medical level enzymes.  Those enzymes made me sick as a dog!  Back to the over the counter stuff.

The results finally of the last tests were that the 24 hour urine test was normal; the test for celiac disease was negative, and unbelievably for me, the pancreatic function test was normal.  In essence, there is nothing wrong with my pancreas as I long suspected…..so…hmmm.

I talked to a “friend of a friend” (who shall remain nameless) who is also a medical doctor, just to make me feel better.  In that conversation, I did feel better.  I also decided on my own based on that conversation to start taking Immodium every day as I learned it is the common cure for colitis.  Colitis is a condition where the bowels (either small or large intestines) are so inflamed, they can’t function right until they heal.

The stress over all the medial tests has aggravated my stomach acid and heartburn and reflux.  I moved about 3 weeks ago to taking Prilosec twice a day instead of once.  The doc decided last week to move me from Prilosec to Pepcid.  I tried it for five days and my indigestion and heartburn got severely worse—back to the Prilosec for now.

Interestingly, since going on the Immodium, my sugar is close to normal now and improving literally DAILY.  After meals, its been normal for some time and now in the mornings, I’ve gone from 120 to mid 90’s.  I’m getting almost enough to eat to keep up my energy, but still need to take a couple hours each afternoon to relax and take a 10 minute nap.  I’m sleeping more than ever at night—going to bed sometimes 2 hours earlier than before.  I’ve discovered new foods and forcing myself to eat more small meals.  Eating low fat, no gluten, watch the carbs, no lactose, and balancing how much of the enzymes I need has been a challenge.  Food can be boring after a while but I won’t complain if I can get my energy and health back!  I still cling to my daily breakfast out with my newspaper (2 eggs scrambled very well, 3 slices crisp bacon, and plain grits), which ironically is the meal that has zero negative effects on my sugar or my digestion, lol!  It’s the healthy stuff that is causing trouble!

I decided to go to a GI doc and that appointment was today.  It went well (didn’t particularly care for him, but he seems to be a good doc and came recommended).  He suggested that the current course I am on is working as I am getting better slowly.  He said he sees no sign of urgency but does believe we need to be certain there are no additional bowel diseases and so in February, we will schedule an endoscopy and a colonoscopy at the same time.

Long and short of it, it appears that stress, combined with very negative reactions to a couple drugs, then compounded by further stress over the medical tests and being sick, has made me—well—SICK.  I have great confidence that all is leading in the right direction.  I will continue to eat better, think positively, and seek wholeness and wellness.

My wife and church have been awesome during this, but some of you have not known why I have not been as active, or available or present, or writing in my blog (lol, even not as active in Cityville).  Truth is, I’m just exhausted.  Taking care of myself has become a full time job.  But By God I am making progress.  It’s been an interesting 10 months.  I have 2 months left of “let’s get healthier” year.  I’ve lost 46 lbs officially just not in any way I’d recommend.  My eating habits are far better and getting better.  I’ve learned so much.  The costs of these medical tests will be overwhelming I’m sure, and dear God forgive me, but I’m stressed over that!  I do try to think positively, how great it is to know so much that COULD be wrong—and yet none of it is.  A true blessing to be able to find all that out during middle age.

I'll be back to full throttle soon, even with my blog, so be patient with me!

I thank God for friends and family (again my wife especially) who have picked up the pieces that I’ve left behind and thank you for loving me and praying for me.  Day by day….And while I won’t become one of those who preaches about it to you, let me say this at least once:  Take care of your health.  You have one life to live—do it right!

I thank God for being with me.  I have a Renewal Leave scheduled for January and intended to spend much time realigning my relationship with God.  I’ve now done some of that work early.  God has been with me—I know it—I feel it  I’ve felt every prayer lifted up for me as I’ve gone down this road.  Emmanuel  God with Us.

Peace and Merry Christmas to you!

Help our cause to help the world and turn a blind eye to racism? Sexism? other isms?

A proposed scenario Imagine if you will:

My secretary tells me there is a man downstairs who is from Worldwide Gospel Ministries who wants to see me.

I go downstairs and the man says, "We're visiting local churches who have not had one of our speakers here in a while and would like to set a schedule where we can come talk to you."

ME: "Hmm, we're not interested right now."

Man in suit: "What about the Spring"

ME: "No. We're not interested right now.'

Man in Suit: "So you just don't support the WGM?

ME: "No.  I think you guys do good work, really I do, but it is my understanding that African Americans are not allowed to be speakers in your organization.  Is this not still true?"

Uncomfortable, slightly angry man in suit: "Well no, that is NOT true. We have a Black Auxillary and Blacks can speak there to other blacks."

ME: "No, that is not sufficient.  While I do support your cause.  I cannot in good conscience, support your organization under those terms.  It goes against who I am, what I believe, and what WE as a denomination believe."

Indignant man in suit: "Well, don't you care that through our ministry, thousands of people are able to read the Gospel who would not have been able to without us?"  "Is that not important enough to overlook this one area we disagree on--for the sake of the Gospel?"

ME: "Yes, it is important--I wish you well and thank God for the people reached, but if I support your organization, I will be complicit in institutional racism and I simply couldn't live with myself if I did that.  We will find another way to help spread the Gospel to the world.  But let me know if that ever changes.  Good day, I really need to get back to work."

Man in suit with smug superiority like look on his face shakes my hand and walks out the door.

Now, listen folks.  WHAT was I to do?  What would YOU think of me if I dared to support such an organization?  I have struggled with this issue for years with them--I LOVE what they do, but really? I have friends, some of them good friends, who are members, speakers in this organization who are wonderful, God fearing men--but really I can't support them actively any longer.  It sends the wrong message.

Oh, but wait, Truth Time.  It wasn't the WGM, it was the Gideons.  And it wasn't blacks they limit speaking opportunities for, it was women.  This goes against our polity, our doctrine, and our theology as United Methodists.  No matter how much it pains me, no matter how much I LOVE what they do--I just cannot in good conscience support them by allowing them to speak in my pulpit.  It is institutionalized sexism.  We don't stand for that--I don't stand for that.

Should I support an organization that does good work, but doesn't allow blacks to serve in the most "out front" position?  Am I against the spread of the Gospel if I don't?

Should I support an organization that does good work, but doesn't allow women to serve in the most "out front" position?  Am I against the spread of the Gospel if I don't?

Look, I'm sorry.  I support WHAT you do, but I can no longer support your organization.  Please love me anyway.

And sadly, there are more "should I" questions in the same line of thinking here, but that is for another post altogether.  We're not done growing now, even if sticking to our doctrine and theology, we might have some other isms we need to deal with

And that is the Gospel (According to me anyway)

God is turning his back on America? Why now?

Amazing things show up in Social Networking theology.  Some use their pages to ask thoughtful questions seeking genuine dialogue on theological or biblical interpretation topics--hooray for them!  Sometimes there are theological statements that make me cringe but I remain silent as even flawed theology may be bringing someone some form of comfort (ie: God took your child because God wanted a beautiful young rose bud for God's garden).  But then there are times that I see not only illogical and questionable, but mean spirited theological statements and by God it's time I spoke up--I've remained silent on some things for far too long.  Some time ago, I wrote of "coming out of the closet" as a gay rights supporter.  I never even finished the series I got so flustered at some of the responses I got (don't go looking, they were deleted or they were not posted publicly.)

Yesterday New York voted to approve same-sex marriages.  And the flood began.  blogs, tweets, and posts, some supportive of the law, some decrying the terrible day.  NOTE: This is not a post about church sanctioned same sex marriage--that's for another day.  Instead, keeping it to be about the New York Law, this is about Christian reaction to same sex civil liberties such as the right to the same benefits offered heterosexual couples.

The posts (more than one) that got my attention all said something about the fear that God will "turn his back on our country" or words to that effect.  Tammy Fay Bakker (in what were admittedly trying years for her) said that the damage brought by Hurricane Hugo were a result of God's dissatisfaction with the city of Charlotte, NC (my home at the time) because her husband Jim was on trial.  Tammy, I believe came a long way in her theology after that, but that same sentiment persists.  The same cries were offered by religious leaders after Hurricane Katrina wiped New Orleans off the map.  Such a notion of course, has little to do with logic or history or good theology and more to do with judging instead of offering Christian empathy, love, and support.  It is a terrible perch to place oneself on as one day tragedy will come to each of us and the only logical explanation will be that God is punishing us for some misdeed or another.

America is still I believe the greatest country on earth and I am a patriot through and through.  But we have many things in our past to be ashamed of.  Slavery and racial oppression helped build this country.  Mass genocide and forced exodus of Native Americans gave us our land that we call the home of the brave and the land of the free, and yet we prospered through that.  Surely, given the theology of God is turning his back on us for homosexual persons being allowed to marry would mean that this same God would have thrown us to the wolves two to three hundred years ago and many many times since.

Surely the poverty of our own starving population, the millions who live on the street as the rest of us live in abundance would bring God's swift penalty for those reasons, but no outcry there.  Surely for those who seem to decry the advancement of civil rights for an oppressed minority, their fear of judgment should be consistent (AT LEAST FOR THEIR OWN NARROW AND LITERAL READING OF SCRIPTURE).  Yet, I have seen no outcry of fear of God's punishment as they or their straight children or straight neighbors lay in their beds with one who is not their spouse each night.  Where is the outcry in these areas?  No outcry of fear over cheating on taxes or gossip.  No prophecy of doom over divorce.  I ate shrimp and grits the other night--a southern delicacy, but an abomination in the same literal reading of scripture, yet no one has told me that I am bringing God's judgment on our country.

No, I don't think we need worry about God turning God's back on us because New York has said that all of their people should have the same rights--I wouldn't even begin to sound the trumpets on this issue when we have prospered through so many sinful times in our past.  God loves us--warts and all.

So how are we to react as Christians to the news out of New York?  We should be celebrating!  Jesus called us to go to the least, the last, and the lost.  Jesus was anti-religious establishment--always condemning the religious leaders of his day.  Jesus was anti-political establishment, always condemning the governments that showed favoritism and denied the rights of its citizens.  Jesus was anti-social establishment, always condemning those who had privilege and failed to use their status to reach out to those on the margins of society.  Jesus was a radical.

Following Jesus means that I am happy to see that at least some of our fellow citizens will no longer be denied rights simply because of their sexual orientation.  We do not live in a theocratic society and condemn even the thought of a theocracy if it is Muslim.  We should be just as concerned if the state we live in rules by religious law.  I celebrate today as New York has moved our country one step closer to eliminating discrimination against my gay and lesbian fellow patriotic citizens of THE U.S.A.  Today I am a New Yorker!

If Churches Were Diners

I have a friend and fellow pastor named Bev.  She's got a special talent for helping churches notice how first impressions can affect how guests feel when they walk in the door of your church for the very first time.  I thought of her when this post was developing in my mind.

My wife and I decided today to go to a diner and have a rare during-the-week breakfast together.  We have some good friends who told us about it, in fact they invited us to join them there sometime (the right way to tell someone about something new and get them to go), but we decided spur of the moment to go on our own.  It's an interesting place in an interesting town called Enochville.  Depending on how up to date your maps are, you might can find it on the map, but maybe not.  I think the people there in some cases like their little spot on or off the map the way it is for the most part and just might not be interested in making it so that it is easy to find.  The diner is in a store with a simple name that might not even let folks driving by know that there is a restaurant there at all.  Like some churches, you have to find it by accident.

Parking was not marked and not easy.  We weren't sure if we were parked in the wrong spot or not.  We got out of our cars and a woman, probably a regular, was getting out of hers at the same time.  She stood back politely to let us pass, but didn't acknowledge our presence otherwise.  I said GOOD MORNING, she said morning, never making eye contact.

My wife said, "Is that the door we're supposed to go in?"  "I don't know, never been here."
(by the way the above picture is NOT the place we were at, but it looked a lot like it except for the McDonald's reflection in the window!)

We entered the door and saw not a living soul.  We were standing in what looked to be an old style grocery/convenience store.  There was a register to the right, lots of racks of stuff to buy in front of us and a few booths to the left with no one in them.  Next to them was an old style serving counter--could have been a butcher counter, ice cream, not sure--it was just there with no explanation, but seemed as if someone still worked there behind the counter--maybe, maybe not.  Beyond that was a door.  Through that door we saw 6 more tables, 4 empty--a gentleman seated by himself at one and a table of four.  They all stopped to stare at us and not in that polite glancing way, either, lol.  They didn't even offer that traditional southern nod and a smile as they averted their eyes (maybe because they didn't avert their eyes).

We were outsiders and we knew it.  We found the menu on the table and suddenly there was a woman standing next to us wanting our drink order--there were no pleasantries exchanged.  I wondered if she were busy, having a bad day, or merely an unhappy person but then she seemed to interact quite well with the other tables, just not ours.

When we placed our order, I told her I wanted my eggs so well done there were starting to turn brown.  She laughed, scoffed more like it and didn't write that down I noticed.  Still no pleasantries.  Still getting stares from the other tables.  Still not comfortable.  Still outsiders.

A man soon appeared with our food and of course, the eggs weren't brown on my omelet.  My wife said send it back. I said I'm scared to--not here.

The food was remarkably good, even the (for me) undercooked omelet--would have been better if someone had made it the way I ordered it, but overall, the food was excellent.  Superb, in fact.  And the price was unbeatable.  We ordered full meals for each of us and the total bill was $9.68 plus tax--could be a great place to eat.  No wonder our friends who live in this area recommend it.

As we were eating, I noticed things around us.  A calendar on the wall--very folksy--the kind that has the individual blocks for the dates and month and you move them around to make the current month.  It was on April, 2011.  Today is the last day of May.  A sign on the table said, "NEW HOURS M-F 8 AM TO 6 PM MON THRU SAT" while a newer looking sign on the wall said, "NEW STORE HOURS 8 TO 6:30."  Security cameras were in the corner, but one of them looked to be older than I am--not sure if either of them were real.

The server brought us refills on drinks, but never asked about the food that I can recall and still other than business stuff, no one spoke to us--no one.  When it was time to leave, we didn't know the routine.  The server was out of sight, we had a ticket for the meal--there was that old serving counter just around the corner, maybe we were to pay there?  Or maybe we were to go to the cash register for the convenience/grocery part of the store???

I didn't want anyone to think we had run out without paying, so I stood at the table while my wife went to that register out in the main room--there was no one there.  The people (now with four more added) were staring at us, surely some knew what we were trying to figure out, but no one spoke--they just stared.  The server poked her head around the wall and saw me standing there.  I opened my mouth to speak to her, but she dipped back behind the wall.  I motioned to my wife, now some 75 feet away with a question...she shrugged.  Still no one to help us stop looking like idiots.  Finally, the wife motioned to me.  She was in the right place.

We left, still no one acknowledging our presence--no one thanked us for coming.  I'll bet they breathed a sigh of relief and went home to tell their kids of the strangers that came to town today.  Great food--great menu--great prices...But do I want to go back?

I wish we could all step back and see our churches for the first time again--with the eyes of a guest who has never been there.  Can people find us--do they know we exist?  What do the signs on the walls say to guests?  Do we stare or say hello?  Do we help with their confusion or silently watch them struggle to figure it out?  Do we show interest in them or discomfort at their being there?  If churches were diners, are we for the locals only or are we expecting guests?

If Churches were Diners...would people be able to--would they want to--know what we serve on our menu--the bread of life and living water--or would they simply feel uncomfortable and move on?

And that's the Gospel  (According to ME).

Friends are God's gift to the sick at heart.

The Mission Statement of the church I pastor:  North Kannapolis United Methodist Church

Our Mission

To be a Community of Grace
Following Jesus Christ
A Warm Welcoming place
A Life Changing place
A Healing place
A place where God's Love is Real

Sometimes I write because I just need to.  I am thankful today for people that love me and put up with me and care about what I'm feeling.

I am grateful for an old friend who met me for breakfast and let me bitch and moan a bit, supporting me and lifting me up.

I am grateful for those who take their theology and doctrine so seriously that they are genuinely concerned about getting it wrong--too concerned in my mind, but grateful nonetheless.

I am grateful for a friend that lives a long way away, who I called today and unloaded on when things went south.  Then she affirmed me and my feelings, giving sage advice and offering words that lifted me up.

I'm grateful for a church member who sent me a message telling me he was praying for me and that I have his full support--always.  When he couldn't come see me tonight at church, he sent a hug through his son, who I am also grateful for, who told ME I could call him anytime I wanted to talk--how refreshing!

I am grateful for church members who work hard to support the church, tirelessly giving of themselves in a genuinely sacrificial manner--making me feel like it is actually worth it--telling me that I do make a difference and sometimes I need to hear it!

I am grateful for a choir director that is as passionate about spreading the gospel and loving the unlovable as I am, who also works tirelessly for the Kingdom, caring about the future of our church.

I am grateful for a choir that stops and prays for their pastor, understanding when I am not 100% up to the task, sharing their wonderful gifts and talents to make sure the rest of us can worship more freely.

I am grateful that my church is a healing place, even for the pastor when needed.

I am grateful for my children, who love their daddy, even when he is not the best daddy.

I am so thankful for my wife, who listens and supports me, encouraging me, uplifting me, stroking my ego when I need it, understanding my frustrations and pain that comes in our line of "work."  She puts up with a lot married to me and I don't deserve it, but still she does it.  I am grateful for our nearly 10 years of marriage and the work she puts into our marriage.

I am grateful for a God who shows us how to love even the unlovable by loving me in spite of myself.

I am tired. I am burned out.  I am frustrated.  I am sad.  I am full of doubt.  I am a sinner.  I am tired, but mostly...I am grateful.

Thank you all.  Really.  Thanks for being there and holding me up when I can't do it for myself.

Let's move forward.  Let's do what we do best.  Let's BE the hands of Jesus and offering healing through friendship--Let each of us BE a healing place for someone else today.

So now I feel guilty. What should I do?

Matthew 25: ⁴¹ “Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. ⁴² For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, ⁴³ I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.’

⁴⁴ “They also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?’

⁴⁵ “He will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’

⁴⁶ “Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life.”

Psalm 127: 3 Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord,
the fruit of the womb a reward.

It started in the last couple days. Three men that were "sent" to my door to ask for money.

I'm going to be as transparent and open and honest as I can be. Living in a parsonage next door to the church, especially when the two buildings are made of the same quarried stone, especially when the only way into our driveway is off the parking lot--in other words, there is no mistaking this is the church's property and likely that the pastor lives here--well, living here can suck at times.

I am a private person, almost introverted. I don't like company much even when I know them. I don't like strangers knocking on my door anyway, but knowing that they have a hard knock story and are asking for money makes it even harder. Every ounce of my being wants to help, it's what we are called to do and who knows--remember that Scripture in Hebrews about entertaining angels unaware--be nice to the stranger!

But I am also a father, the protector of my family and of my home. I can't stop filling those roles just because I also am the pastor.

Two days ago, a man showed up at the front door. I was home alone. He asked politely if I was the pastor, told me he was sent to my house by a particular group to ask me for money--well meaning, they did nothing wrong. He was polite as I explained that the church has been hit by the economy and we simply don't have the money for individuals; instead we give money to the two county agencies that help people in need. I told him where they were and he thanked me and left.

Then yesterday, same thing happened. This man was not as polite. After asking if I was the pastor and telling me someone from the same group had sent him, he asked for money for a train ticket to Greensboro to see a doctor. Said he had to go today and the train was the only way to get there on time. I told him the same thing I had told the other man and he was angry. He stormed off while I was talking muttering to himself.

Later in the same day, the kids were home in the Den--I was in the Bedroom. The doorbell rang repeatedly in rapid fire and someone started beating on the door. The kids came running, describing a man at the front door. By the time I got there, there was no one there. I looked out the side window and saw a man rounding the corner of the church walking away. The kids said that was him. Last evening, I saw the man hanging around my driveway--made me nervous, but again, he walked away.

Tonight, while the kids were taking their bath and shower, the doorbell rang again, same rapid fire, same pounding on the door. I was sitting 2 feet from the front door and no one was there when I got there. Then the doorbell rang again--ah, the back door? Yes, the same man had come into my gated yard and was standing on my back porch. I opened the wood door, talking through the glass storm door, but he opened the door and tried to come into my house. I blocked his entry and went out to the porch, kicking myself that I didn't have my phone.

He told me the same folks had sent him to me and wanted to know if I was the preacher. He said: "The lady told me you would give me money for my drugs." (not a good start all the way around). Then he pulled an empty prescription bottle out of his pocket and a card. The sun was in my eyes and I'm older now, so I moved around without thinking and tried to see what he was showing me--some sort of proof he is a veteran.

He told me he needed money for drugs for his back and had none. He reeked of alcohol, but by now, I had no real compassion; I wanted him to leave. I explained the same thing to him, plus suggesting he go to the VA hospital, talk to Wal-Mart--some drug companies help when people need it to pay for their meds. He was angry and began to fuss at me, telling me he hoped I needed his help one day--why wouldn't I give him my own money he demanded! Frankly, we give all we can give--the well is beyond dry! I'm sorry I said--I can't help you. He was now standing between me and the door and I told him I needed to go back in. He left, but he was still angry and fussing at me about not being a real Christian.

Now Thursday, we wouldn't let the kids play outside, nor Friday, nor today--not fair to them. I'm uncomfortable going to the garage even and hate that the front door has no curtain on it. I feel vulnerable and am concerned about my kids. I don't want them to come here. Come to the church, yes--I'll be glad to deal with them--it's my job--but can't I have peace in my own house? Is that too much to ask? Am I wrong for feeling I need to protect my children?

I have sent word to the group that was sending folks to my house. Again, they did nothing wrong, but I need them to send folks to the church, not my house. I informed the appropriate church leaders what was going on and carry my phone in my pocket even if I go to the garage. But have I sinned by not only turning individuals away, but by now closing the door to any and all who might come needing genuine help? Have I drawn a line in the sand that is not in keeping with my duty as a Christian--a pastor?

Am I wrong to lock the world out?

I don't like these questions. I don't like feeling this way. But I am not sure I will sleep well tonight--expecting the return of this man. My children didn't get a choice about their parents' calling. Doesn't my role as father trump this one part of my role as pastor?

Perplexed and saddened, seeking the gospel--even if just according to ME.

Pleasing God or pleasing people while preaching...

Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ. Galatians 1:10 (NIV)



Oh dear.. Perhaps the worst insult a preacher can get--sometimes not intentional and often from a very honest heart, but nonetheless, insulting.

Recently, I had a one on one conversation with a delightful woman who has been having internal struggles with a three way conflict going on in her soul. She's read the Bible...She was raised to believe that Traditionally speaking, "the gays" should be told they're going to hell (just for their own good of course), and lastly, she has family who are living in openly gay or lesbian relationships and she finds herself wanting her family to be treated no differently than anybody else; she finds no justice whatsoever that the sin (in her mind) of homosexuality should be treated any differently than her own sins (which like my own, are legion). But, she attends a church where the preacher, while silent on the question of sinfulness of homosexual acts, preaches and practices an open and affirming approach to the GLBT community. Question she was struggling with: By merely attending this church, is she tacitly contributing to the eternal damnation of those who come and don't hear that "a man laying with a man is an abomination?"

Through tears, she wrestled with the collision between Scripture, Tradition, and Experience, trying to Reason it out in her mind (Good Methodists will notice the Quadrilateral there! and I didn't even have to lead her that direction!). In one of the comments she blurted out, insult, presumption, and the questioning of motives came into picture. Now, I had no problem with her excited utterance--it was honest, it was searching and there was no maliciousness in her mind at all...but still, she said it. "It just worries me that the preacher knows there are gay people listening and he just doesn't want to make them mad, so he never preaches on it."

Ah, there it is. I've received the same insult on more than one occasion an on more than one subject and in most of those, the insult was intentional and the judgment was clear. "Preacher, you are trying to gain the favor of man rather than God! What you say, therefore has no truth in it and you should be defrocked, drawn and quartered, and given a wedgie immediately in full view of all those present. You are leading your flock to hell."
























Well, the root of this thought process is something that some people feel they have and thus it is their job to protect it and of course to beat people up with. They think they have a personal claim to ABSOLUTE TRUTH. There is but one way to interpret Scripture and if your way isn't their way, then not only are you wrong, but we must root out the evil motive behind your being wrong. You're not only wrong, but since the TRUTH is so apparent, you must be intentionally BEING wrong, and thus, a false prophet, a liar, the spawn of Satan, and you have a goal of trying to please people above pleasing God. Nuff said?

NOOOOO, it's not enough said, so I'll say this.

I can't speak for the preacher in question above, but I suspect he is a lot like me. When I have developed a life philosophy for the fair treatment of all God's children--through careful and diligent study of Scripture, through studying supplemental material, through meditation and most importantly through prayer and I KNOW it's going to make PEOPLE upset, but feel in my heart it will please God and then practice and preach it, it is the height of irony that I WILL hear that particular insult heaved my way. Trust me, it is NOT the path of least resistance!

Yes, I preach and practice the EQUAL treatment of those in the GLTB community as fully equal in the Body of Christ, and regardless of your view of the "sinfulness" of homosexual acts, they are nothing more, nothing less than sinners saved by grace--just like the rest of us. I preach and teach it as Biblically sound, Traditionally consistent with the insistence of early church leaders to open the community to those who were "different" AND Jesus' command to reach the least of these, and experientially supported and the REASONABLE and even required response from Christ followers. And I make no apologies for it. I am not here to please those who complain or insult. I am here to please God and to touch the untouchable, love the unlovable, and welcome the outcast--even those the church has deemed politically acceptable to cast out (there goes that argument that I'm being politically correct, too ;) ).

Problem is...the people in the church have somehow tried to REMOVE themselves from the equation in the above stated verse from Galatians...In other words, pleasing THEM is ok. AND they've committed blasphemy (thinks of recent debate on what blasphemy is) by equating NOT pleasing the church people as NOT pleasing God. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but the two ain't synonymous!

I preach and charge my constituents to practice our church motto of Open Hearts. Open Minds. Open Doors the same way I believe Jesus would--with OPEN ARMS, wide open. See, I believe that when Jesus opened his arms wide to welcome us all (all sinners) home to be with him in eternity, there is no limit to the width of his outstretched arms. I believe it. I preach it. I live it. No hidden agendas, no hidden motives. No bowing to pressure from the people.


(oh, and my friend I was talking to. She didn't need me to tell her anything.


She already knew in her heart that she's in the right place!)

And that's the Gospel (at least according to ME)